By Demelza Desforges - MIN Ambassador, 14.02.2024
To fulfil our mission of confronting coercive control, we want to help identify the warning signs of abuse. Understanding the tactics used by perpetrators can help people protect themselves from harm. We are producing a series of informative blog posts to help recognise and address these tactics. The first in the series is about ‘love bombing’.
Manipulation
Love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation used to lure or keep someone in a relationship. It typically involves showering someone with excessive affection, praise, and attention. It can happen at any stage in a relationship but it is usually more common when two people first meet. It can also be used by abusive parents with narcissistic tendencies, to influence their children and to maintain toxic power dynamics within the relationship.
Idealisation
The initial phase is very intense. The perpetrator will place you on a pedestal. They will make you feel special, cherished and desired. They will give you lots of compliments and lavish gifts, they might even write poetry for you. You will be the centre of their world and they will make you feel amazing and loved like you have never been loved before. They will want to protect you. They will make it seem like you have loads in common and that you are a perfect match or 'soulmates'. While this may seem like a dream come true at first, it's often a smokescreen for darker intentions. Behind the grand gestures and over-the-top love declarations, often lurks a hidden agenda. Love bombers manipulate their victims into dependency by creating a sense of euphoria. But this false-security felt by the victims only makes it easier for the perpetrator to exert control over them in the future.
Devaluation
Once the love bomber feels they have their victim firmly under their spell, they may begin to exhibit controlling and possessive behaviour. They'll make incessant unreasonable demands, and will get angry if they don’t get immediate responses. Compliments turn to insults. It's a rollercoaster! The perpetrator makes you feel insignificant and like you are always in the wrong. Things are no longer what they used to be; you are made to feel indebted. When asked why things have changed, or why promises remain unfulfilled, the perpetrator will lie and twist reality. This can leave you feeling confused and guilty. By bringing in other tactics of abuse such as gaslighting and isolation, the perpetrator can maintain power and control. They may start threatening self-harm or that you will never find love like this again. The abuser’s influence will increase to the point where you feel trapped and unable to escape the toxic relationship dynamic.
Trauma Bonds
One of the most concerning aspects of love bombing is its potential to escalate into abuse. Love bombing aims to benefit the perpetrator by exploiting their victims' vulnerabilities and insecurities for their own gain. It aims to make their victims feel loved, valued, and deeply connected to the perpetrator. By acting like the heroic saviour, tending to every need, the perpetrator will instil a false sense of security in the victim, who will believe, wrongly, that they are safe. They will put all their trust into the abuser. These behaviours can create a sense of intense emotional connection and attachment in the victim, which can lead to ‘trauma bonding’ and imbalance of power.
Cycle of Abuse
Love bombing can create an unhealthy and dangerous cycle of abuse. While love bombing typically occurs in the initial stages, the excessive affection, attention and praise has created a strong emotional connection. Once the perpetrator has gained the victim’s trust they will become more controlling and abusive. The initial phase is often followed by periods of tension building. Eventually the cycle may escalate to crisis level. An emotional or physical incident occurs. After this violence, the perpetrator may revert back to love bombing as a way to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship.
Seek Support
Love bombing is not about genuine affection or care; it is a calculated strategy used by manipulative individuals to gain control and power over their victims. If you suspect you may have been loved bombed, its crucial to trust your instincts and seek support from friends, family or a professional. You deserve to be in a relationship based on mutual respect, trust and genuine affection. At MIN we empower individuals to recognize the signs of abuse and break the cycle. We empower mothers and children to live safe lives, free from toxic relationship dynamics.
