By Demelza Desforges - MIN Ambassador, 10.03.2024

As Mother's Day approaches in the UK, many of us anticipate joyful celebrations with our children or with the women who gave us life. However, it's crucial to acknowledge those who will face a different reality – the mothers enduring the torment of post-separation abuse. This post breaks the silence on behalf of these mums who are living very different lives to what they had envisioned for themselves when they brought their children into the world. Some of these mums may even be separated from their children because of domestic abuse and coercive control.

For these women affected by post-separation abuse, Mother's Day is a bittersweet reminder of the profound challenges they face. Having fled violent relationships, they may have believed freedom was within reach. But post-separation abuse, perpetuated by the person they share a child with, ensures their ordeal is far from over.  Manipulated by the abusive parent, their children may be coerced into distancing themselves from the safe parent. This erodes the mother-child relationship and is an insidious tactic of post-separation abuse designed to harm and control the victims. Sadly, this form of abuse is often unrecognised and misunderstood, leaving mothers and children unprotected by the systems that should be helping them. 

These mothers carry the physical reminders of high-risk pregnancies and emergency C-sections, symbols of their sacrifices to bring new life into the world. Despite their scars, their unconditional love for their children remains unwavering, always and forever. 

Some abusers introduce a new partner into the dynamics. In healthy situations this oughtn't cause issues, and the new partner could grow to become a 'bonus parent', instrumental in raising well-rounded, healthy children.  But in toxic situations of post-separation abuse, perpetrators cause pain to punish and elevate themselves over their victims. So when such abusers bring a new love interest into the dynamics, they do so in very unhealthy ways, intensifying the pain they inflict. As the children bond with this new figure, the mother may be purposefully undermined and devaluated.  Some get labelled "the devil," while the new partner is hailed as "amazing, magnificent, mum."  The new and past partners are pitted against each other. This manipulation causes significant emotional harm, leaving the mother grappling with the betrayal. The children also suffer, likely experiencing the effects of trauma. Complicated grief may emerge and without proper support, unhealthy coping mechanisms become inevitable. 

Triangulation is a manipulative tactic used by abusers to create conflict and control within a relationship. It involves introducing a third party, such as a new partner, to undermine trust and foster insecurity. This destructive behaviour erodes trust,  and divides families. The film Coraline metaphorically depicts this scenario. 

In the context of post-separation abuse, children are also victims. The perpetrator may triangulate the mother, the children, and a new partner, further perpetuating harm.

As we celebrate Mother's Day, let's stand in solidarity with these courageous women and their children, wherever they may be. Let's offer them the empathy, understanding, and support they deserve. Together, let's work towards a future where every mother and child is cherished, respected, and valued. And a future where everyone is free from abuse.