It's OK to Not Be OK: Mental Health Awareness & Post-Separation Abuse

By Demelza Desforges - MIN Ambassador, 16.05.2024

*Trigger Warning* 

Mental Health affects everyone, regardless of age, background or circumstance. Whether you’re struggling yourself or supporting someone who is, it’s important to remember: it's okay to not be okay. 

This Mental Health Awareness Week, let's talk about a situation that can have a devastating impact on a mother's mental well-being: post separation abuse. While leaving an abusive relationship is a courageous step, the journey to healing can be even more complex when you share children with the abuser.

Why Parenting with an Abuser Can Be Traumatic

Many mothers in toxic relationships assume separation will finally bring peace. Unfortunately, research shows they are more likely to experience post separation abuse.  

This can take many forms, including:

• Harassment and manipulation: Using children as messengers for insults, showing up uninvited, or bombarding you with calls and texts.

• Financial abuse: Not paying child maintenance, sabotaging your credit score, or controlling finances through shared accounts.

• Parental alienation: Turning your children against you through coercion, lies and manipulation.

• Emotional abuse: Tension building, intimidation, or gaslighting to keep you feeling on edge.

• Coercive Control: Threats can be overt or veiled, targeting you, your children, pets, loved ones, or possessions. They may use self-destructive behaviour or suicidal threats to control you.

The Shadow of Abuse: How Separation Doesn't End the Mental Health Struggles

These tactics aim to maintain power over the victim and erode your sense of security.  The constant fear and uncertainty can trigger a range of mental health challenges:

• Anxiety and Depression: Living in a state of fear and hypervigilance leads to overwhelming feelings of anxiety and hopelessness.

• Low self-esteem: The abuser's attempts to belittle and control can leave you feeling worthless and questioning your own judgment.

• PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD): Flashbacks, nightmares, and emotional triggers can be reminders of the abuse. The repetitive nature of post-separation abuse can lead to difficulty regulating emotions, negative self-beliefs, and problems with relationships. 

• Eating Disorders, Substance Misuse, Self-harm, Suicidal ideation: these can be ways to cope with the pain or to attempt control over the situation. Remember, there is always hope and help available. Mental health conditions are treatable. Many effective treatments are available, including therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes.

You are not alone. Millions of people around the world experience mental health challenges. Don't be afraid to reach out for support.

Breaking the Cycle: Prioritizing Your Mental Health

Healing takes time and strength, but there are steps you can take:

• Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or a support group. Sharing your experiences is  validating and empowering.

• Focus on self-care: Prioritize your physical and emotional wellbeing through healthy eating, exercise, and relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation.

• Empower yourself: Learn about coercive control and its tactics. Understanding the abuse helps you reclaim your power and make informed decisions.

• Seek professional help: A therapist can equip you with tools to manage trauma, cope with anxiety, and build resilience.

You Are Not Alone: Resources and Support

This Mental Health Awareness Week, let's not only raise awareness about mental health but also acknowledge the specific challenges faced by survivors of post-separation abuse. By offering support and resources, we can create a path towards healing and empower mothers to reclaim their lives.

Make mental health a priority:

• Check in on yourself: Assess your own mental well-being. If needed, prioritize self-care activities.

• Start a conversation: Talk to friends and family about mental health and post-separation abuse. Open communication can reduce stigma and encourage help-seeking.

• Learn and share resources: Educate yourself and share information with others to help them find support.

• Challenge the stigma: Stand up against negative stereotypes. Use social media to promote awareness with hashtags like #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek or #EndTheStigma.

• Support mental health organizations: Donate to charities or volunteer your time.

Together, let's turn awareness into action. By prioritizing mental health and breaking down stigma about post-separation abuse, we can create a world where everyone feels comfortable seeking help and living a healthy, fulfilling life.

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