In Their Shoes - Impact on Children and Young People

By Demelza Desforges - MIN Ambassador, 17.07.2024

In their shoes - Impact on Young People

Imagine being a child whose world is turned upside down because your parents are not getting on. You may not be too sure what is happening but you know that there is a lot of hurt and pain. It’s not just about the fights you hear or the confusion you feel—it’s about the worry that follows you everywhere. You might see one parent acting mean or controlling, and another one being upset or struggling. It feels like you’re stuck in the middle of a storm that never ends. 

This article looks at how living in families where there is coercive control and post-separation abuse affects children and young people like you, from the fear and sadness you might feel to the way it impacts your everyday life and future.

Living in Fear 

Those growing up in abusive environments have lots of extra challenges to deal with and barriers to overcome. Sometimes things may not seem to be ‘abusive’ to you because you are so used to them happening all the time.

You might think that because your parents have been separated for so long it would be ok by now. But things remain difficult and the people around you are often angry and upset. Nasty things may be said. Even if the abuse isn’t directed at you, you feel its impact. Anxiety and fear may become part of your daily life. You constantly worry about your parents's well-being and your own safety. It’s hard to sleep, and you might feel a tight knot of stress in your stomach. Even if you don’t always hear the arguments, you feel the tension, and it’s scary not knowing when things might explode again.

Things don’t feel right

Abusers often use children to control their victims. They may ask innocent-sounding questions but then use that information to disrupt plans, creating chaos and trouble. You could be used to spy or relay messages and demands, putting you in the middle of disagreements and hostility. You might be manipulated to turn against your other parent, causing resentment and confusion. One of your parents may insist that the other one doesn’t love you. You might not be looked after in appropriate ways and this makes you feel unwell, unsafe and unhealthy. If you need medication it may not be given to you or it may be given to you wrong. This puts you in danger and it makes your other parent worry. You may not realise that this was done on purpose to hurt your safe parent, or, you may understand everything that is going on but you are unable to speak your truth. You might think that no one else understands, and you may believe that adults can’t protect you. So you try to take matters into your own hands. You might feel like you have to please the person causing harm, siding with the abuser to protect your loved ones. You may also start acting in ways that hurt others. You do what you can but things still don’t feel good or right. This is a tough situation, and systems like the courts and social services should do better to protect children.

Dragged Through Court

When abusers feel they are losing control, they might drag your mum through long court battles to keep their power. This can hugely impact your life, adding stress and uncertainty that affects school, friendships, and family. You might feel forced to choose sides to stay safe, which can lead to guilt and shame. It’s normal to feel anger and confusion in this situation. Remember, it’s not your fault, and you should never have been put in this position. You're doing your best in an impossible situation.

Struggling at School

It’s tough to concentrate on schoolwork when your mind is full of worry and confusion. The emotional turmoil from home(s) follows you to school, making it hard to focus on your studies. Your grades might suffer, and you could struggle to keep up because it’s difficult to think about math or reading when you’re scared about what’s happening between your parents. On the other hand, School might become a safe space where you excel, feeling that doing well might help you escape the home situation or prevent problems from worsening. Afraid of being an oddball you might force things to fit in, but try to speak to friends and staff at school for support. There are adults who can understand and are trained to deal with this kind of situation.

Acting Out or Shutting Down

Everyone reacts differently to stress and fear. No matter their age, some people might act out, getting into trouble at school or at work, fighting with others because they don’t know how to deal with the intense feelings bubbling under the surface. Others might withdraw and become very quiet, finding it hard to trust people or make friends. These behavioral problems may be ways of coping with stress and confusion, or the only way you feel able to get help. Although it is a complicated situation please know that there are lots of people out there who understand.

Seeing Through the Confusion

For the non-abusive parent, it’s incredibly challenging to protect you and provide a stable, loving environment. They have to manage their own fear and stress while trying to shield you from ongoing abuse. They might feel guilty or blame themselves for the situation, even though it’s not their fault. Balancing boundaries with the abusive parent while ensuring your safety is tough.

Long-Term Emotional Scars

The impact of growing up in an abusive environment can last a long time. You might find it hard to trust people or build healthy relationships in the future. The emotional scars from the conflict can affect your self-esteem and mental health well into adulthood. It’s not just the arguments and control that hurt—it’s the feeling of being powerless and scared. It is possible to heal though, resources are available to help you thrive in life. Empower yourself with information,  self-awareness and hope for better times ahead.

Finding Safety and Support

Open communication is important. Talking about your feelings can help you understand and process what’s happening. Sometimes, professional help like therapy or counseling can make a big difference in helping you heal.

It’s important to know that children and young people are also recognized as victims in families where a parent is abusive towards the other. Even if the abuser claims their actions are not directed at the children, the law acknowledges the profound impact such environments have on children and young people. This recognition means there are more resources and legal protections available to help support you and your family.

How Mums In Need Helps

Charities like Mums In Need support families going through these tough times. They provide resources, emotional support, and practical advice to help mothers create safer, more stable environments for their children. Even if the abusive parent doesn’t mean to hurt you, their actions can still cause a lot of pain. Mums in Need helps families navigate these complex situations, offering a lifeline when things feel overwhelming.

You are not alone

Living through coercive control and post separation abuse is incredibly hard for children and young people. By understanding the deep and complex effects this kind of environment has on you, and taking steps to support your emotional well-being, it is possible to heal and thrive. Remember, seeking help and support is crucial. Believe in yourself