Tracy Rawlinson.  13th June 2022.

Living with the aftermath of domestic abuse is stressful for all family members. It’s really hard thinking about yourself when you have so many other things to think about.

Children who have experienced domestic violence may still feel scared even after the real danger is passed. No matter how old they are, your children need your help to feel safe and secure again. To be able to do this, you need to prioritise some time for yourself. One phrase that’s become even more popular is self-care.

Is self-care even possible with the daily demands of parenting and the stress of trauma and family difficulties? The answer is yes. It takes practice and commitment, but you can learn ways to live a healthier, happier life. 

In this article, you will find out about the effects of poor self-care and learn 11 free and easy ideas you can do that’ll help you feel better, make good decisions, and be a good enough parent.

Why is self-care so important?

Being a parent can be tough but rewarding. Looking after both your physical and mental health is important. When you have stress in your life, eating well, getting enough quality sleep, and doing some physical activity are even more important. All of these help to improving your overall health and well-being. 

• It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.” – Mandy Hale

Lots of bsome time on self-care, it usually came out of good luck rather than good planning

Refill your emotional jug

You may have already heard of a phrase called ‘refill your jug’. Put simply, it just means doing small things each day that are stress-free and enjoyable. 

These small self-care activities restore both your physical and emotional well-being. When daily demands are made, there's something to take these demands from. Refill your jug by:

• Reading a book

• Sitting in the garden and spending some time outdoors

• Eating your favourite dessert

• Talking to a friend or relative on the phone

• Watch your favourite TV show

Everyone will have their own way of refilling their jug. Find what works for you and what you enjoy the most.

What happens when you don’t look after yourself?

Our own well-being has deteriorated over the years. Parents lead challenging and busy lives managing many priorities at once. Add a further layer of living with ongoing emotional distress– and it's really tough.

It’s important you prioritise self-care. When you feel good, you feel satisfied and your life seems more worthwhile. 

The impact of not looking after yourself can be harmful. Over time, you can become short-tempered, tired, and have little energy.  Your sleep patterns can deteriorate. You may find yourself quickly falling asleep and waking up a few times during the night so your quality of sleep can be pretty poor. 

Secondly, parents often prioritise helping other people and lose sight of taking care of themselves. How often do you help other people and put yourself second? When you don’t look after yourself, the effects can impact how you deal with certain situations. 

Check out the following self-care actions you can put in now.

11 awesome things you can do each day

There are many different ideas that you do to top up your emotional jug. Some will work better for you than others. Find out which self-care method works best for you.

1. Review who you follow on social media

Go through your social media friends and followers. Remove anyone who is uninspiring and posts negative content.

Reading soul-destroying posts on social media is boring. Equally, reading negative comments can have a real impact on how you feel. Go through your social media following and remove anyone who is uninspiring and destructive. It’ll feel so empowering!

2. Try something new each week

Testing out what you like and don’t like is a great way to keep your jug topped up. This is also dedicated time just for you. You may have a particular interest or hobby you’ve always wanted to try. For example, taking some time out to listen to a different genre of music could spark a new interest, why not give it a try?

Make a list of things you like to do. Spend a little time researching and testing them out. Your new interest or hobby may not take up too much of your time as you think. You will meet some new friends along the way and build some great connections.

3. Take a mental health day and don't feel any guilt for it

It’s OK to take a mental health day when you need it. Use the time to destress and rebalance yourself. Put your feet up and rest–the housework can wait for one day. Don't ever feel guilty about it. Remember, rest and sleep are so important for your body to function properly.

4. Read a book from your favourite author

Reading is one of the most popular things to do to take time out and relax. If you have time during your day, go to the library and find a quiet corner with a comfy chair. If you don’t have time to head to the library, why not schedule some quiet time just for you to read at home? 

Tested against other forms of relaxation, reading a book was proved to be:

• 68% better at reducing stress levels than listening to music,

• 100% more effective than having a cup of tea, 

• 300% better than going for a walk, and 

• 700% more than playing computer games.  

Reading for as little as 6 minutes is enough to reduce stress levels by 60%, 6 minutes is roughly the time it takes to make a coffee and check the notifications on your phone!

5. Write a gratitude list

Having some time to yourself to think about all those things you appreciate can make other things clear. Think about things you are grateful for. Grab yourself a notebook and jot down a gratitude list. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Think about your family, home, relationships, work, or where you live, and finish off these prompts:

• I am grateful for ….

• I am glad I ….

• I appreciate that …

There are lots of free downloadable gratitude worksheets online to help. You can use your list to reflect when times are more difficult. It will remind you of the more positive aspects of your life.  

6. Laugh!

Isn’t laughter named the best medicine? Laughter can make it easier to get through some difficult experiences. It’s fairly easy to fit into your busy schedule. 

Watch your favourite comedy show, phone a friend, or listen to a funny podcast, and laugh. Once you have had a little giggle, step back and think about how you feel. Laughter releases endorphins in the brain, leading to pleasurable feelings.

• “Laughter is a positive sensation and seems to be a useful and healthy way to overcome stress” National Library of Medicine.

Laughter is a great stress buster. Scheduling an activity to make you laugh is a great way to look after yourself. Try it, give it a go. 

7. Make a couple of Spotify playlists 

Playing upbeat or relaxing music depending on your mood is a great form of self-care. Spend 10 mins listening to your favourite soundtrack while dancing around the house. Release some energy and have fun. Alternatively, get comfortable and listen to something calm and relaxing. 

Dedicating some time listening to music depending on your mood is a simple self-care activity that you can fit into your busy, and stressful family life.

8. Take 20 minutes to write down your thoughts

There’s a ton of evidence out there that shows writing down your thoughts or journaling is a great way of looking after yourself. Writing things down gives your brain some much-needed downtime. You’re able to step away from remembering everything and park your thoughts.  

Bonus Tip: Write down one thing which is bothering you. Now think about how to overcome them and how this would feel. Keep an open mind and think creatively. Reflecting on what steps you need to take is a powerful way to move forward and achieve what you want.

Whether you write down how your day has gone, what you want to achieve, or what you have learned, the act of journaling your thoughts is a great method of self-care.

9. Step away from your mobile phone

Sounds simple enough. Many of us are often ‘glued’ to our mobile phones. It can be easy to sit for hours without even realising. Staring at your phone for lengthy periods of time can cause eyestrain, and lead to poor posture, and headaches.

Taking regular breaks increases your productivity and concentration. Practice great self-care and develop good habits. Put your phone on silent if you can, even better put it away!  Re-energise and have a stretch break. Get a glass of water or walk up the stairs 3 or 4 times. Even better, go for a walk outside - get some fresh air. When you pick up your phone you’ll feel more refreshed.

10. Write some inspirational quotes 

Have you ever come across some great inspirational quotes or memes that have really resonated with you? Next time, grab some post-it notes, write them down and place them where you will see them every day. 

Reading positive quotes that mean something to you can be both uplifting and encouraging. You can read them to start off your day with a positive mindset, throughout the day to help keep you motivated, or at the end of your day to nourish your self-care.

Here are a few great examples:

• “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”― Oscar Wilde

• “My father may not be perfect, but he’s doing what he does best, being my dad.” ― Adrian A. Jeresano

• “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”― Mahatma Gandhi

• “There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but a million ways to be a good enough one.”―Jill Churchill

11. Say No

Have you ever found yourself in situations you don’t really want to be in? If you are the type of person that wants to please others, saying no to anyone can be difficult. You want to help and when you do, it’s often to the detriment of yourself. 

Think about what you are able to do and what you’re not. Say no to things that wear you down or take you away from your own values and beliefs. 

Learning to say no to other people is a super skill. Set yourself boundaries and practice saying no to others. It’s tough saying no at times. But with practice, it does get easier. 

Looking after yourself is vital, make it a priority 

Parenting is a full-time job, hard work, rewarding yet demanding. It’s even more difficult when parents are faced with traumatic experiences and ongoing stress. 

It’s important to tailor self-care for you and only you. What works for you may not work for other parents. But whatever you plan to do, your self-care time should always take place where you feel safe, physically and emotionally. 

With thought and careful planning, there are lots of self-care activities you can do each day that can fit into your busy life.

Give one of two of these ideas a go and notice how differently you react to particular parenting situations. Make a self-care plan now and dedicate a few minutes each day to look after yourself - after all, there’s only one of you and you are important.

Do you need help or support? Mums In Need can support mothers who have been subjected to domestic emotional abuse and violence. We provide practical guidance and emotional support to mums who have left abusive partners to empower them with the skills and confidence to move forward with their lives. Find out more about Mums In Need here.

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Author bio: Tracy Rawlinson is a freelance parenting and lifestyle writer, and trainer at Rawlinson Writes with over 30 years of experience in the parenting industry. She’s early years and adult education qualified, previously leading Children’s Centres, Empowering Parents, Empowering Communities (EPEC), and Incredible Years programs to local communities. 

Tracy has supported many families who have suffered domestic abuse and continues to volunteer her time supporting domestic abuse charities.

Fun fact: She’s a wannabe MI5 agent! Follow her on Twitter and LinkedIn.