By MIN Ambassador, 29.04.2025

Coercive control through the family courts

Although the term ‘coercive control’ is now quite widely known, true understanding of it is another matter. It’s easy to see why. Coercive control is a term that covers a wide range of abusive behaviours. Not all victims will be subject to all those behaviours, although typically perpetrators will use a number of them. Many of these types of abuse are quite subtle, certainly to start with. In fact, many victims do not realise they are suffering abuse for many years.  (Please note, we have used the word victim here, although some prefer the term survivor.) 

The power of coercive control 

Coercive control is a type of emotional manipulation. Perpetrators take control of the relationship and over their victim in subtle and insidious ways. It appears (often even to the victim) that they are making the choices the perpetrator wants them too. Some examples could be: 

• The perpetrator makes negative comments about the victim’s friends or family, to the extent where it becomes easier to spend less time with them. This tactic isolates the victim. 

• The perpetrator challenges the victims view of events, perhaps suggesting a comment was made as a ‘joke’ or even denying something happened. This is known as ‘gaslighting’. The victim may feel they can’t trust their own judgment so they stop doing so. 

• The perpetrator may ‘check up’ on the victim’s whereabouts, suggesting it’s from a place of love and concern for their wellbeing. Perhaps they get ‘upset’ if the victim doesn’t answer the phone to them immediately. The victim then learns to ‘check in’ with the perpetrator regularly, ignoring their own enjoyment and putting the perpetrators emotional needs first.     

Victims ‘learn’ ways to keep things calm, or at least try to. They realise there will be a negative consequence if they aren’t alert to the perpetrator's needs. That could be the threat of physical violence and aggression, or emotional stonewalling where the victim is purposely ignored. Unfortunately, victims are always fighting a losing battle. They put energy into ‘handling’ the perpetrator and ignore their own needs, and yet the perpetrator will never be satisfied. It’s only by constantly moving the goalposts that they can keep control. This is exhausting and debilitating for the victim.    

The challenges of leaving an abuser

The slow, drip-drip approach to coercive control means it can be very difficult for victims to identify it. Often, perpetrators present an alternative view to the outside world too. They can be charming, seem loving, and even portray the victim as the ‘difficult’ one. Victims are often isolated and their self-worth degraded, making it even more challenging for them to recognise the abuse and make the decision to leave. Feelings of shame and self-blame are all too common - despite the fact these lie squarely at the feet of the perpetrator. There has been greater recognition in recent years of links between suicide and domestic violence, including coercive control. However, some victims do identify the abuse and make the decision to leave. The courage that takes should never be underestimated. 

Post-separation abuse 

When victims do leave abusive relationships, many outsiders assume that their problems will now be over. Sadly, that is not the case for many. When finances or children are involved, these provide the perpetrator with a means to continue some kind of relationship with the victim and to continue their abusive behaviours. Examples include: 

• Spreading lies about the victim or finding ways to damage their reputation. This may be to friends and family, to those in someone’s professional network, or to teachers at the children’s school.    

• Creating  financial difficulties for the victim. It could be obstructing access to shared funds, refusing to make payments, or withholding child maintenance. This adds to their stresses at an already difficult time. 

• Using the legal system to deliberately cause harm. They may make unnecessary legal claims, drag victims through costly court processes, or seek combative custody battles in the family court and even remove the child from the victim’s care.  

Training for legal professionals

It was seeing how often the family courts are used to perpetuate coercive control that led Mums In Need to develop a training programme aimed at legal professionals. You can find out more about it here. We had already delivered training to Cafcass, who play a crucial role in the family court process. Yet we would see through the experiences of the women that we work with just how misunderstood and overlooked issues around domestic violence and coercive control can be. 

Our aim is to equip legal professionals working in family law with the skills to recognise and address coercive control, so that they can support victims in the best possible ways. The legal professionals we have already worked with were able to recognise some of the behaviours which our training covers. At times, legal professionals may be best placed to identify coercive control which even the victim may not have picked up on. 

Education is essential 

A greater understanding of what coercive control and post-separation abuse are is crucial in tackling them. We need young people to recognise what healthy relationships look like and what red flags could indicate abusive behaviours. We need wider society to appreciate the difficulties victims face and the empathy they deserve. And for those facing the upheaval of family court processes driven by abusive behaviours, we need professionals who are equipped with the knowledge to stand up and challenge them. 

At Mums In Need we’ll continue to seek ways to support those facing the challenges of coercive control and post-separation abuse. That includes our efforts to make positive change in the family courts, which are too often used as a tool by abusers.