By MIN Ambassador, 13.07.2025

How Lived Experience Makes A Difference

Who do you turn to when your ex-partner continues their controlling, manipulative, coercive behaviour after the relationship has ended? Who can help you when the legal system is ignoring your concerns for your child’s safety and facilitating the perpetrator’s abuse? These were the questions our founder, Laura Riley, faced. The answer? Well, it didn’t exist.  

Laura’s lived experience led to the creation of Mums In Need. Seeing that there was no support for victims of post-separation abuse like herself, she set out to create a space to support and empower survivors in moving forward with their lives. Although not everyone working at the charity today has lived experience, most of them do and the value of it is central to our ethos. We’re all too aware of how family courts can silence victims who, often after years of silence, are crying out to be heard.  

Lived experience isn’t a buzzword 

The idea of lived experience has been around longer than the term itself. Yet recently, it’s become used more often and can frequently be found in relation to mental health and healthcare. Listening to the voices of those you’re hoping to support seems like a no brainer. Whilst some people may think that it makes them ‘too close’ to the issues, we believe it provides an invaluable understanding of the reality of complex situations (such as coercive control and post-separation abuse). 

Empathy vs experience 

Empathy, of course, is important. But it is not the same as understanding exactly how it felt to be in the situation someone else was in. We all bring our own experiences and emotions to any event in our lives. In this article in Psychology Today, the author discusses ‘people who have been through something know the nuances of dealing with it.’ It’s one of the reasons we find it so powerful when a group of MINs (our service uses) come together. They share an unspoken understanding of the insidious and deeply personal nature of coercive control and post-separation abuse. They see the common threads in their unique experiences.     

Survivor-led change 

The UK’s Domestic Abuse Commissioner recognises the unparalleled value of survivors’ voices. This is shown on the Lived Experience Matters page of their website. It states that hearing from victims/survivors is’ integral to the work of the Domestic Abuse Commissioner’ and that ‘When the voices of those who have lived through and who have been subjected to domestic abuse are centred and listened to, services and agencies can improve their response so that all victims and survivors get the support and protection they need.’ 

Personal stories hit home 

There’s nothing quite as powerful as hearing stories directly from survivors. Perhaps it’s because people can connect on a more emotional, human level that way. However, we must be careful to protect victims/survivors who don’t wish to share their stories and not make them feel that they have too.Trevor Noah, Alex Scott, and Patrick Stewart have all spoken about domestic abuse in their childhoods. MP Josh Babarinde has used his own experiences in his efforts to reshape how domestic abuse is categorized. It’s currently not an offence in its own right, meaning that identifying those guilty of it can be difficult. He talks about it here.

Lived experience differs 

Coercive control and post-separation abuse takes on many forms. It can be displayed in a pattern of abusive behaviours covering financial, sexual, and emotional abuse, stalking and more. Very often, it will include a cross-section of such behaviours. The insidious nature of abuse can make it hard to understand and explain. It’s why so many people do not even realise that they are, or have been, victims. Having multiple viewpoints of abuse broadens our understanding of it.  

Tackling assumptions around the stereotypes of victims and perpetrators is essential in tackling such abuse. Too often we hear words from professionals in the social work and family court settings that undermine abuse based on their own biases. A victim may be too outgoing, too articulate, too caring. A perpetrator too intelligent, too respected, too likeable. Our training course for legal professionals covers some of these biases and stereotypes. It is delivered by those with lived experience of abuse, providing an additional dimension appreciated by participants.  

What lived experience isn’t 

At its heart, lived experience is about a shared understanding. It’s that feeling that someone ‘just gets it’. It is not about asking people to share their stories or relive their trauma. It is not about one person being an expert on the subject because of their own experiences. It does allow a cross-section of voices to be heard and to be taken into account.  

Lived experience matters 

We believe that lived experience can give people positivity. One of the common factors in coercive control cases is the way that victims are often isolated from others that care about them. When we see survivors come together they realise that they are not alone. They may see others who have been through what they have, and who are strong, resilient and happy. It can also make those who come to us feel reassured that we can offer genuine support. Lived experience is not the catch all answer to everything. Not everyone at our organization has, or needs to have, lived experience. But it continues to be a critical part of who we are and how we support those who need us.