The challenges of understanding abuse

By MIN Ambassador, 19.05.2026

At Mums In Need, we work with those going through post-separation abuse. That is abuse that takes place after a relationship has ended. In most cases (not all), there has been domestic abuse within the relationship before the split. However, many people struggle to recognise themselves as victims of abuse. There are many reasons for this, and here we look at some of them.

Victim, survivor, or something else? 

Some people don’t like the label ‘victim’. Others prefer to use the term ‘survivor’. There is no right or wrong answer as to which is best, but it is important to recognise that abuse has taken place and not to downplay it. Yet people often have a preconceived idea of what an abusive relationship looks like - even those within them. That can make it hard to recognise yourself as being in an abusive relationship. It may be helpful to not think about labels, but to acknowledge when your (ex)partner’s behaviour is abusive. 

The complexities of abuse

Domestic abuse is a pattern of abusive behaviours. What actually takes place can be wide-ranging and complex. It can include emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, and financial abuse, and often includes a variety of these. So whilst it may seem easy to recognise physical abuse, that behaviour could be accompanied by emotional or psychological abuse which is harder to identify. For example, after the event there may be love-bombing or threats of self-harm. Of course, physical abuse is not always present and other abusive behaviours may be harder to spot.  

How emotional abuse can happen

One of the things that makes emotional and psychological abuse difficult to recognise is that it usually takes place over time. Perpetrators win someone’s love and trust, and start to push the boundaries little by little. The analogy of boiling a frog could be used. When the heat is turned up slowly, it doesn’t spot what’s happening till it’s too late.  

Some of the key signs include manipulation, exercising control over your daily life and decisions, isolating you from friends and family, repeated criticism, and gaslighting. All these behaviours are implemented to give the perpetrator power and control. The subtle ways in which these can take place are what can make abuse so hard to recognise. 

Abuse can appear in disguise

Bringing someone their favourite takeaway may be a generous and loving act. But if it’s done when that person has said they’re cutting takeaways from their diet, or it’s accompanied by cruel comments about their weight, then it may be abusive. Offering to pick someone up to make sure they’re safe could be kindness. Adding a tracking app to their phone, under the guise of care, could be controlling. Perpetrators may also make cruel remarks, and if pulled up on them deflect by saying it was ‘a joke’ or shift the blame to the victim for being ‘too sensitive’. Subtle behaviours can make it hard to distinguish between love and control - it’s hard to say you feel uncomfortable because your partner bought you a takeaway, for example! But listening to your instincts is important.   

Making you blame yourself

Many people who are subjected to abuse will question their own behaviour. The perpetrator may make you feel it’s your own fault. DARVO, which stands for ‘Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender’ can be used by abusers to deflect responsibility for their actions. They may even use this to make other people outside of the relationship think that they themselves are the victim. This can all be confusing for the real victim in the relationship. 

Sometimes perpetrators will try to goad you into behaving badly too. Some people think they can’t be a victim of abuse because they stood up to their perpetrator, or even engaged in behaviours that could be considered abusive themselves. Such reactions do not take away from what has led up to them. 

Perpetrators of abuse are often also experts at getting people to change their own behaviour. They may not directly say you can’t see friends or family, but over time may isolate you from them in ways which seem to be your own choice. Perhaps they suggest someone isn’t the friend you thought they were, or that they worry about how you behave when you’re with certain people. Maybe they don’t explicitly say ‘you can’t wear make-up’, but speak negatively about those who do and comment on how you look when you do or don’t. As you lean more on them for guidance and support, they start to control the narrative and your actions. 

Subtle changes are powerful 

Your behaviour may change over time as you learn how to keep the perpetrator happy. You become an expert at ‘keeping the peace’. Even when direct physical abuse isn’t present, threats, intimidating body language, and mood swings may be. Suffering the silent treatment can be as hurtful as being shouted at.   

Recognising abuse 

Believing in your own instincts is crucial. If it doesn’t ‘feel’ right, that’s enough. You don’t have to justify that feeling for it to matter. If you are in a relationship you think may be abusive, speak to a professional if possible. As well as helplines, you could talk to your GP or another health professional. You may also be able to access counselling support through health plans at work. If it’s safe to do so, consider keeping a record of the behaviours that are taking place. Having a diary of events can help you to assess what is happening and to see patterns of abuse. Sadly, it’s often only once the relationship has ended that people start to realise the extent of the abuse they have been subjected to.

Remember, there is no excuse for abuse. You deserve to be safe and to feel safe. You’ll find some numbers which may be helpful below. 

National Domestic Abuse Helpline - free support, 24/7: 0808 2000 247      

FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors) - domestic abuse related legal support, Mon-Fri 9am-5pm: 0203 745 7707

Karma Nirvana - supporting those affected by honour-based abuse, Mon-Fri 9am-5pm: 0800 5999 247

If you ever feel in danger, call 999. You can alert the police with a silent phone call by pressing 55 once your call is connected.