Being a mum whilst dealing with trauma

By MIN Ambassador 16.06.2026

There are no two ways about it, navigating parenting whilst dealing with post-separation abuse is hard. You’re dealing with a lot, on top of being there for your child or children. There are the everyday demands of routines and school and mealtimes, and wanting to support them emotionally too. Yet you’re also being targeted by abusive behaviours and potentially coping with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. It isn’t easy, and we won’t pretend there’s a quick fix. But it is important to take time to appreciate and understand what you have, and are, going through. 

Domestic abuse and trauma

The links between domestic abuse and trauma are well proven. The law recently recognised children who witness abusive relationships as victims in their own right, even if the abuse wasn’t directed at them. And just to be clear, abuse is not limited to physical or sexual abuse, it includes financial, emotional and psychological abuse as well as coercive control and post-separation abuse. 

How trauma presents is different for everybody. It may leave you feeling numb and disconnected, or irritable and angry. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ response. Trauma does have a profound effect on your nervous system, so it’s important to recognise that your behaviours may be triggered by it. 

The stresses of post-separation abuse 

Making your life difficult is often the goal of an abusive ex-partner. Finances and children are usually the only ways they have to maintain control and exert power over you. Abusive behaviours often escalate. So it’s no surprise that this can be the most stressful time of your life. 

You wouldn't expect to cook the best meal while your kitchen was on fire, so don’t give yourself the pressure of being the ‘perfect’ parent while you’re dealing with post-separation abuse. You can be the best parent you can be in the situation you’re in. That might not meet your ideal standards, but it’s enough for right now. 

The little things are big things

Be proud of the seemingly small things you achieve. A peaceful bedtime. A trip to the local park. Getting them to school on time. Routines and repetition can give your children a sense of security. Maybe that’s a song you sing together, stopping off for sweets on a Friday after school or an extra bubbly weekend bath. Small, special moments can make a big difference to their wellbeing without feeling overbearing for you.

You’re likely concerned about the impact of your situation on your child. They may be feeling angry, sad or confused. That’s not your fault, and you can hold space for their feelings without taking responsibility for them. Be gentle, avoid blame, and help them to understand that things won’t stay as they are forever.  

Care for you is care for them

Self-care may be a long way down the list of your priorities. The children come first, there are finances to sort out and solicitor’s emails to make sense of. But looking after yourself is actually good for your children too. 

Coercive control  is present in many abusive relationships and erodes your sense of self. It’s common to put your partner’s needs before your own, with your ideas, views and instincts diminished over months or years. Rebuilding and reclaiming your own identity is a crucial step that is part of being a good parent. You set an example by showing your children you value yourself. 

One day, one moment, at a time

You can only do what you can right here, right now. Being a safe and present parent is enough. Research on children's resilience shows that what children need most is not a parent who never struggles, but one who is honest with them and lets them see that there is a way through hard times. 

It’s ok to say that you’re not feeling ok today. Offer the reassurance that you love them and that although you’re feeling sad or frustrated today, you won’t always feel that way. If you share your difficult feelings with them, try to balance this by sharing positive moments too. That could be as simple as telling them you’d really enjoyed playing a game or having a hug with them. Of course, you need to consider their age and emotional maturity. Some people talk about repair after ruptures. This means that if you shouted, or cried, or acted in a way you wish you hadn’t, offer an apology or a hug. Feeling safe and loved matters more to your child than thinking you never get things wrong. 

You don’t have to do it all alone

Sometimes survivors have come to rely on a partner exclusively and may have pushed away family and friends. But if you can rely on or build relationships that offer support, try to. If there’s someone who would like to help, allow them to. Of course, be conscious of your own boundaries too. A little bit of space for yourself, or a conversation with someone who understands can make a huge difference. Helplines for domestic abuse charities are not only for those currently in abusive relationships. If you need to reach out, they are there to help. 

Things will change

When you’re living with post-separation abuse you are under enormous pressure. There is ongoing emotional harm. The challenges you face should not be underestimated, especially by yourself. Acknowledge how far you have come and the strength you show every day. Be proud of who you are and who you are becoming. 

Ignore the Instagram stories that show the brightest parenting moments. You are doing the best you can, today, in the most difficult situation. These circumstances will change. There will be tough days and better ones. Staying hopeful and positive isn’t possible at every moment. But remember that your children will learn by witnessing your courage and resilience. Most of all, they don’t need the perfect mother. What they need is you.