By Demelza Desforges - MIN Ambassador, 20.08.2024
Parenting With An Abuser
Parenting under normal circumstances is challenging, but when one parent displays abusive behaviors, the emotional toll and complexity increase dramatically. Mothers who share children with an abusive ex-partner face not only the daily struggles of parenting but also the daunting task of safeguarding their children from ongoing abuse. In this blogpost we examine the profound impact of coercive control and post-separation abuse, the difficulties of co-parenting with an abuser, and the concept of parallel parenting as a practical solution.
The Reality of Sharing Children With Someone Who Has Harmed You
Despite evidence of abuse, courts often grant custody or contact rights to fathers with violent histories, including domestic abuse and sexual violence. This forces mothers into impossible positions, where they must facilitate contact between their children and their abuser, re-traumatizing them and perpetuating the cycle of control and fear.
For many women, the realization that they will never truly escape their abuser—even after leaving the relationship—is devastating. The family court system often downplays crimes against women, concluding that an abusive father poses no risk to the children. This mentality empowers perpetrators, harms mothers, and sends a damaging message to children about the reliability of protective systems.
The Challenges of Co-Parenting
Co-parenting ideally involves shared responsibilities and open communication, with both parents working together for the benefit of their children. However, when one parent is abusive, this ideal is often unattainable. Abusers frequently manipulate situations, using the children as tools to exert control and cause distress. The non-abusive parent faces ongoing conflict and emotional turmoil. The dangerous and toxic environment causes ongoing trauma. It is impossible to engage in healthy co-parenting when it's like this.
Fear also plays a significant role. Protective mothers are constantly on edge, worried about the abuser's next move and how it might harm their children. This fear combined with all the other tactics used by perpetrators makes it difficult to maintain a stable environment and set appropriate boundaries.
Introducing Parallel Parenting
In situations where co-parenting is not feasible because of abuse, parallel parenting offers a structured alternative. Parallel parenting minimizes direct contact between the parents, reducing conflict and focusing on the well-being of the children. This approach includes:
Minimal Communication: Interaction is limited to essential communication, often conducted through a third party or written means, such as email or a communication app. This can then be used as evidence to prove the abuse later on.
Clear Boundaries: Firm boundaries are established and maintained to protect the non-abusive parent and the children.
Child-Focused Approach: The children's needs and well-being are prioritized, with efforts to minimize parental conflict.
Legal Framework: Parenting plans are clearly defined through custody agreements or court orders, with any changes requiring legal documentation.
The Benefits of Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting is recommended by many experts and professionals because it allows the abused parent to heal and regain a sense of individuality. Children benefit from improved self-esteem, better relationships, enhanced school performance, and fewer behavioral and emotional issues. Although parallel parenting involves sacrifices, such as limited flexibility and minimal direct communication, it offers a practical solution when co-parenting is not possible. It ensures both parents remain involved in their children's lives while protecting everyone's well-being.
Conclusion
Parallel parenting is recommended by many experts and professionals because it allows the abused parent to heal and regain a sense of individuality. Children benefit from improved self-esteem, better relationships, enhanced school performance, and fewer behavioral and emotional issues. Although parallel parenting involves sacrifices, such as limited flexibility and minimal direct communication, it offers a practical solution when co-parenting is not possible. It ensures both parents remain involved in their children's lives while protecting everyone's well-being.
