By Demelza Desforges - MIN Ambassador, 20.09.2024

Empty Nesting after Abuse

When children leave home to embark on their own lives, it can stir a complex mix of emotions for parents. This stage, often called "empty nesting," is a major transition that brings both a sense of accomplishment and loss. However, for mothers who have survived domestic abuse, this transition can be far more complex and painful.

Children move out for many reasons—going traveling, off to university, starting work—this quest for independence is a natural part of growing up. For many parents though, the bittersweet pride in watching their children take these steps is accompanied by sadness and loneliness. After years of devoting time, energy, and love into parenting, the house may suddenly feel quiet as daily routines shift dramatically. You might grieve the loss of the daily connection with your child. It’s okay to miss your children deeply but it's also okay to look forward to the next chapter of your own life. Embracing both the joy and sorrow of this moment allows you to adapt and eventually thrive in this new phase. Feelings of emptiness, nostalgia, or even anxiety are normal, but so are feelings of relief, freedom, or excitement for new opportunities ahead. Indeed this transition often invites a period of self-reflection, allowing parents to rediscover their identity outside of parenthood.

In cases of post-separation abuse, where the abuser continues to exert control, coercion and manipulation even after the relationship ends, the empty nest phase can feel particularly painful. 

Some perpetrators use coercive control to alienate children from the safe parent - often the mother—as a way to extend their control and cause ongoing harm. By turning the children against her or disrupting their relationship, the abuser seeks to maintain psychological and emotional power, even from a distance. In doing so the perpetrator damages the relationship, fracturing the bond between children and mother, creating a deep sense of loss.

For mothers in this position, the typical sadness and loneliness of empty nesting are amplified by deep concerns for their children. These children, though growing up and gaining independence, remain victims of the abuser's influence. Their perception of their mother may be clouded, and their rejection or distance from her is a source of immense grief. As the young people move out and move on, the mother worries not just about their physical absence but about their emotional well-being. She fears they may carry unresolved trauma from the abuse or continue to live under the perpetrator’s harmful control, even as adults.

At the same time, when children shared with an abuser become independent, there can be a sense of liberation. The abuser may lose their ability to use the children as tools for control, freeing the mother from daily battles over parenting and custody. This can be an empowering moment, where the victim finally feels free from the hold the abuser had on their life. But this newfound freedom can also be bittersweet.  While there is relief in breaking the chains of control, there’s also a fresh layer of grief and anxiety. The children, now adults, may still be influenced by the abuser, complicating opportunities for reconnection. Mothers in this situation may feel both liberated and deeply worried that the damage done to their relationship with their children will never fully heal.

In these moments, survivors can feel conflicting emotions—grief for the loss of closeness with their children, relief from the abuser’s constant control, and hope for a future where healing and reconnection might be possible. It’s important for mothers to recognize that these emotions are valid. The pain of having your children manipulated and turned against you, coupled with the unique relief of finally escaping the abuser’s grip, is a complex emotional landscape to navigate.

Finding support during this time is crucial. Speaking with a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse, or joining support groups where other survivors have experienced similar situations, can be a helpful way to process these layered emotions. These safe spaces can also provide resources for handling the ongoing worry about the children, who may not fully understand the manipulation they’ve experienced and the toll it has taken on their relationship with their mother.

For mothers who are navigating the emotional aftermath of an empty nest after domestic abuse, know that the emotions that arise throughout the journey are all deeply valid. Healing may take time, and there will be challenges along the way, but the newfound freedom from the perpetrator’s control can also offer opportunities for reclaiming your life and identity. In time, as your children gain distance from the abuser and grow in understanding, the possibility of rebuilding your relationship may also emerge.

The road ahead may feel overwhelming but there is hope and healing—for both you and your children—in the future. You are not alone, many parents walk this path, and the emotions that arise are all part of the journey. Acknowledge and validate these emotions, now step into your new chapter.